Lunatic Jaywalkers and Psychotic Pedestrians

One popular manifestation of the intriguing British etiquette is the customary 'tipping of hats' tradition followed by the stiff upper-lipped creatures. A classic Mumbaikar rendition of the same custom is the tipping of umbrellas during the monsoon. When two pedestrians come face to face en route to their destinations in opposite directions on a narrow hawkerpath (formerly known as footpath), one of them has to raise his or her umbrella to allow the flow of pedestrians to continue. But there are some 'tactless' pedestrians who need to be tutored to be more respectful when they hit the hawkerpath. These obstinate beings refuse to alter the altitude of the protecting canopies over their heads.Then you are left with two options:
1) Challenge the mule by not tilting your umbrella
2) Surrender and raise your umbrella (a person with his or her ego up to the brim would never do this....It's an act of acknowledging subservience or subordination)
The clash of umbrellas is pretty attractive. The multipurpose sabers are bad weapons but come with a launching facility. The duel might end with one umbrella dripping wet over the 'enemy' shoulder.
The hawkerpaths are narrow but there should be lanes marked to facilitate the transportation of 'vehicles' with varying speeds. An assortment of differently paced humans is truly an irritant.Especially, when you are a brisk walker like me. You overtake someone to find that it is of no use because the next person has a worse walking pace. You have to weave your way in and out of a mass of people heading in the same direction and you ought to have a 0-100 in 6 seconds body to execute this arduous task. You find that you are constantly being obstructed by human speed breakers and you look sheepishly at the person you have overtaken because now you know why he was being slow. If the road you are walking along has shops which sell clothes then you have to bump into people who halt to do some window shopping. You might even be poked into by hands pointing at mannequins. You hears screams of delight because women have found the exact design or colour they were hunting for. Then there are those hawkers who use the pavement to display their goods. Pirated books,CDs,vegetables,cheap clothes,keys of every kind........you can stumble upon any of these 'stalls' and thanking your braking system for not damaging goods. People surround these shops and you can't locate them unless you almost step onto the goods.
Habitually, a group of people always forms a horizontal chain while walking. This is the source of inspiration for directors directing war movies where an entire battalion of Pakistani soldiers or Nazi soldiers are wiped out by a single machine gun. They are unaware of the tremendous inconvenience they cause to the people behind them. The brisk walkers don't find a single weak joint in this 'fortification' and are forced to pull off the hawkerpath for the singular purpose of saving time and at the same time risking their lives by not paying heed to honking buses. Were the hawkerpaths lined with exotic floral displays the case would have been different! But although the shrubs and bushes are absent, people continue to stroll at a leisurely pace. You feel trapped and sometimes wonder whether you are being made a victim of some 'hidden camera show' because people crop up in front of you even on an empty footpath. Note the change in terminology.
Footpath: Hawkerpaths change to footpaths when the Municipal Corporation's van is patrolling the streets.
There are also certain strategically placed modern day marketing executives thrusting handbills of useless software classes or spiritual pravachans in your hands. have you ever tried tearing the forcefully handed-over material? A better option is to toss the handbill to the nearest chanewallah. The chanewallah would bless you and your 7 generations to come. I propose a United Brisk Walkers and Joggers Association with yours truly as the founding President. The first task at hand would be the formation of a sub-committee to discuss the Training of Pedestrians and Eradication of Flyers/Pamphlets with immediate effect.
An ego tussle is now common in our city. It's when two bodies moving in opposite directions refuse to budge to their left and thereby necessitate an internecine collision of shoulders,arms or bags. You see the guy approaching you, your eyes meet. His eyes read CHALLENGE. Your eyes read 'Aa ja dekh loonga'. And neither of you show signs of retrograding. You are determined to prove that your shoulders can hurt and that you are superior to the oncoming person and that your social and educational status is better and that your goatee is more attractive than his and your cellphone is costlier than his and you are a better and older Mumbaikar than him. Your challenger belongs to that sect of people who always ask for a handshake with a dominant hand. A hand which would control the handshake and which would force the other person to point his palm to the sky and thereby provide a moral victory. As the distance decreases the two pairs of eyes adopt a more conscious manner. You are suddenly interested in the clouds above and your posture turns upright with pride. And BANG comes the shoulder-on collision and you try hard not to glance back at your assaulter and march ahead with egoistic glee. At times, the collision never occurs because very cleverly the paths are re-navigated. The migrant pedestrians can be easily spotted in a crowd. They stick together with their gaav-waalahs and are astounded by the prosperity of their surroundings as they gaze at the high rise buildings and the swanky long cars. These pedestrians inquire about distant suburbs and the ways to reach there. 9 out of 10 times they are always headed in the wrong direction. 8 out of 10 times they are in search of a construction site. 10 out of 10 times they are unaware of the distance and insist on walking all the way to Churchgate from Dadar.
Certain pedestrians are known for their 'watchlessness'.They are always interested in asking a passerby, "Kitna baja?". I am always surprised by this category because nobody ever knows the work they are late for, or the place they were supposed to reach or even whether they have understood the words you have blurted out in response. Sometimes I wonder whether they are actually interested in knowing the time or whether they have been dared to do so in a game of Streetside Truth and Dare! Courier Delivery-boys always carry illegible envelopes with them and meet you at a traffic signal when you have to keep one eye on the pedestrian signal. You send them off in the wrong direction until you cross the road and realise that you have done so. You know the landmarks but are unable to recollect them at the exact moment. At bus stops you are asked which buses go to a certain place and then you are bored of listing out the numbers and recklessly inform the inquirer that all the buses go in that direction and you are supposed to board one and head towards the same destination. And when you board the next bus, he follows you and the conductor yells at him because you have (inadvertently) boarded a bus heading to the same place which follows another route and the inquirer has followed blindly.
Pedestrians who cannot control their urge to spit the gutkha or paan being eaten by them must be subjected to 100 lashes in a public place. They aim for your shoes of your pant and succeed in painting the road and other things in a deep shade of red. How I wish they had saliva spitting as a sport at the Olympic Games! A dozen Gold medals for sure! You know it when you are in a risky situation. The tobacco shooters regurgitate their bolus of whatever it is and just before they shoot they emit a horrendous sound which originates from somewhere deep in the nasal cavity. A characteristic sound which we Indians are used to! A warning signal which asks us to look out for projectiles of disgusting mixtures.
Tackling the highly intoxicated co-walkers is an art. Be quite inconspicuous when you overtake him and be sure to have a relative velocity resembling a Boeing overtaking a bullock cart. Don't look back to see what the drunkard is doing. It's best to leave him alone. The stray dogs do the job of tackling him. Beggars asking for a Rupee are now outdated. There's increasing competition in this business and it is now one of the best paying freelance businesses. Now we know why the percentage of people below poverty line has decreased! Beggars don't attack unless you are not moving. If you are not stationary but you are in any kind of motion:rectilinear,circular,spiral,hellical,forward,backward,lateral......then you are beggar-proof. But if you are chatting with your friends or have halted to check the number on the bus behind you, you turn into a pot of honey which attracts flies.
Crossing roads is an onerous task. There are times when you have to depend on the co-crossers. When they shift into a quick sprint you have to follow them and reach the other end. Make sure that you have at least two pedestrians acting as a buffer layer between you and the traffic. But the buffer layer is at times very dangerous and tends to take risks.There are certain guidelines to be followed while crossing an arterial road viz. Do not cross the road when a female driver is behind the wheel, BEST drivers are very considerate, check out the number plates because an older car has a bad pickup and it's the safest time to cross. When you are in a vehicle, every pedestrian and jaywalker is a lowly moron for you. You curse their lack of civic sense and responsibility. But you forget that you do the same when you are not using a vehicle. I have a name for jaywalkers. Extra dividers. In addition to the dividers constructed by the local administrative body, jaywalkers help distribute the traffic into lanes. Some pedestrians are stubborn enough not to use the hawkerpath. Your car's bonnet has to follow the locus of his or her right arm. In suburbs, you would frequently find migrant mothers with their children holding their right arms in front of your car.Your left wheels follow the locus of the child's path and you have to honk hard to knock some sense into their brains. How can her maternal instinct allow her to keep her child at the wrong side and closer to zooming vehicles?
Yet, I oppose the usage of Pedestrian as a synonym for dull or prosaic! It's an insult to the institution of Walkers. How can pedestrian be something common when there is such a variety and diversity in characteristics? Those who relate something cheap to something pedestrian definitely possess a pedestrian mentality! After all Pedestrians represent people from almost every 'walk of life'!

The Ayes have it with a tarnish!

All's well that ends well, but all's entertaining that has a lot of 'directly out of K serial' spice to it. How could I miss that much anticipated historic parliamentary debate and the voting following it? I was unhappy because I missed the opening of the special session and the PM and the Leader of Opposition insinuating each other through their speeches. Mr.Advani being a great orator is always a pleasure to listen to. I missed the house proceedings on Day 1 upto 4 pm owing to hours wasted idling in college. But 4 pm to 10 pm was some action packed drama and entertainment. I had no idea that I would be proven wrong on the following day. I had already decided that it was not worth missing the second day, the D-Day for the UPA Government.
11 am and the Loksabha Channel on my television resumed its tedious duty of entertaining me. The prelude to this much needed special parliamentary session was the issue discussed nationwide and about which I have already spoken on my blog. The speaker's of the day were supposed to try their best to either save or destabilise the Government depending on where they were seated in the Lower House of Parliament. Calling the Loksabha the lower house is actually an insult to a democracy where the House of Representatives hold a higher status but our liking for British terms and terminology is unparalleled in the world. The tension could be felt in the Loksabha with a clear line dividing the floor. A Communist-Rightist front working hard to topple the Government is a rare but not unimaginable scenario in Indian politics. With every major party positioning itself on the issue, the Government had a herculean task facing it but then the Shameless Party turned out to be a saviour for Dr.Manmohan Singh. The aforementioned party caused rebellions in almost every party (including itself) and the nation was once again reminded of the phrase 'Aayaram Gayaram'. Newspapers spoke of similar situations in the history of Indian legislature. Countless motions of confidence and no-confidence have been introduced in a 57 year history of our Parliamentary system. Emergency, Janata Dal Government, Morarji Desai,Chaudhary Charan Singh,V.P. Singh, P.V.Narasimha Rao, the JMM horsetrading uproar, Atal Behari Vajpayee's famous 13 day Government, AIADMK's decisive vote,269-270.......these fragments of voters' memory were linked together by excited news anchors. Independent MPs and parties with 1,2,3 or 5 MPs were wooed. Previously unheard of MPs from Mizoram, Manipur,Ladakh, Lakshadweep, Parbhani were the new heroes. Who will go with the Government? What will the National Conference do? Is the Shiv Sena going to abstain? News channels questioned and answered all these questions in tandem. Fiery speeches, personal taunts were on in the Loksabha. BSP,CPI(M) MPs and some Ministers were boring drones. They can easily give our Professors a run for their money. The prodigal son couldn't move ahead without uttering Sasikala and Kalawati. He named the farmer's widow from Vidarbha atleast 231 times in a minute. Kalawati said....a smile....Kalawati said....a grin.......Kalawati said....useless pause....Kalawati said Haan Haan Hindi main bhi bolunga........Kalawati who had x number of children said....."Arre aapko kya problem hai?Please sit. Nothing will be recorded"-Somnath Babu..........Kalawati said....a smile exchanged with Sachin Pilot......YAWN!
Mr. Railway Minister was busy gathering his herd of buffaloes in the house. His Hub hub exclamations to silence the opposition mixed with intermittent Bhojpuri proverbs and incomprehensible Hindi sent the Loksabha into squeals of laughter. The Member of Parliament lot surely has a queer sense of humour. Foreign educated Mr. Conscience-pricks-me-for-being-with-NDA-once-but-I-loved-being-a-minister delivered an excellent piece of oratory. But the matter was one bagful of crap.Futile attempts to create a secular image. His rival in Kashmir was anything but prepared and finally had to be requested to sit down as she was wasting precious time. She gracefully obliged willingly. But the highlight of the day was the Cash-for-vote scandal! The 3 BJP MPs scampering towards the well with bags full of cash could be a great inspiration for Madhur Bhandarkar or RGV. And was it shocking? Not for me! The alleged Shameless Party could have stooped so low any day. The party's leaders can easily manage a MP bazaar or even an auction with attractive Rs.30-35 crore ka maal. 9 crore is a good bargain. The 3 MPs brought out the dirty linen in front of the world. A well known fact which was never talked about now became public and it was a shame to Indian democracy. These parties can easily sell the nation to the best offer. The fortnight's dealings which were not a secret were revealed in this brave defiance of the rules by Advani's men. They unmasked the already bare-faced corrupt party and the ruling coalition. The nuclear deal is a very good step in India's foreign policy and it will definitely be beneficial for us but does it mean that the Government has to be saved using unfair means? They could have faced the public mandate by losing the trust vote instead. Desperation to go ahead with the deal made the Government take unfair steps. They depended on murderers,rebels and corrupt so called Socialists to keep afloat the sinking boat. It was evident after the results of the vote were displayed live in the house and being broadcast live throughout the world. After the initial confusion when 54 votes were still not counted and the news channels went into a frenzy and the UPA MPs strove hard to navigate towards the PM, the nation was shocked! 275-256!!! Every psephologist was smacked hard! They gained the trust of the floor of the house but lost all moral grounds. I didn't expect this from a well educated Prime Minister like ours. After all, even if you are cleaner than anyone else you get rotten when you fall into a basket of rotten fruits. The only two advantages of this developments are:
1) The senile Left are being kept at bay and
2) The nuclear deal will now ride the fast track.
We have betrayed our National Motto. Now we have to say Satyam Jayate kadaachit. Na api Jayate Loksabhaayaam!

Pappu Can Dance Saala!

Pappu ki gaadi Bentley,
Karta hai Juhu mein holiday,
Pappu loves to party,
Loves his political party,
And Pappu can dance Saala!

This Pappu can dance because he loves to throw and attend parties. No one knows who funds the same. But he is well known for his dancing around from one political ally to another. He parties with the people whom he had formerly accused of tapping his phone line. He grooves along with sworn enemies when the time comes for him to seek a better political alliance for his friends in the 'film fraternity' and other 'industries'. His 'adopted family' backs him during his bad times and in turn Pappu dances in their baraats. Pappu's boss is a tiny person, a former defence minister who can be a model for Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan thanks to his ignorant face. Pappu takes care of the interests of the people he cares for and is willing to change the political equations at the centre. After all he works for a 'socialist' cause. He is a member of a party full of capitalist stalwarts apparently arguing in favour of socialism, atleast that's what the party's name indicates.
First and foremost on the agenda of his political party is uprooting the very foundations of its own principles. Second is encouraging entrepreneurs and industrialists to bag important contracts and consuming hefty kickbacks. Last week saw Pappu dance to a new tune. He and his colleagues pledged support to the Government which had previously 'worked hard to annihilate him and his boss by trying to entangle them into a web woven by tapping their phones. Earlier he had vowed to criticise the Government to the fullest but when another like minded group of parties threatened to wobble the central Government, Pappu grabbed the opportunity to demand perks by both hands. And now he shares meals with people who earlier would have paid fortunes to have his blood. Pappu just loves to make a laughing stock out of himself. He is under an impression that it is quite entertaining but in fact the only people being entertained are the people who will enjoy the antics of his Bade Bhaiyya's family. His RELIANCE on Big B(haiyya) is the only SAHARA left for his MULAYAM heart and feelings.
The only entertaining stuff after Euro 2008(sniff, don't remind me of the finals!) is this hilarious situation at the centre. There hooligans were elected to work as legislators but the country's administration has taken a back seat because they are busy playing 'Pull the Sarkaar's leg' and 'Opposition Opposition' and 'Kaun banega Coal Minister' and 'Ab tak 272'. The nation may go to the dogs because show of power is important. Or may I say the Government will go to the horses? MPs are busy with the equestrian events as they are lurching towards greater promises and 'khokhas' of pure Indian Rupee. And now the country realises that the Government is not in majority whereas it never was in majority because they were being supported by a bunch of traitors who want to hog the political limelight. I hope the Chinese agents do not win a single seat in the next elections. I pity the reasoning of my brethren in Kerala and West Bengal to elect opportunists.
And what a relieving piece of entertainment all this has been! Feels soothing after the Wimbledon where a Spaniard who looks terribly ill (obviously mentally) and who needs to be taught how to maintain his hair defeated a Gentleman of a player. He is one of those handful of people I am willing to slap for no reason at all. His undeserved smirk is the 2nd most irritating sight. Guess the worst sight! Cough.. Ron.. Cough..aldo! The visuals of FedEx were nothing short of heartbreaking but it was a great match. I took it as a personal loss and sulked for about 2 days. My mother told me that two decades ago, she and most tennis fans were similarly disappointed when Bjorn Borg lost to John McEnroe. I hope Roger snacks the Majorcan on the courts at the Olympic Games. Oh! Now I know why the Left wants to bring down the Government so desperately! They want to witness the Games in their Home(country) away from home. Karat and co. would be free to travel if they don't have to attend the Parliament, a 'carrot' which would not have been offered to them were the Government to stay in power. A 24 Karat ingenious idea!